


still

by heathermcnamara



Category: Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: F/F, actually why does canon hurt my daughter in this way, anyway it's?? essentially angstish & hardly shippy you've been warned, oh god i wrote this at 2:30 am on my phone because i couldn't sleep, why do i hurt my daughter in this way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 02:26:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7489680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heathermcnamara/pseuds/heathermcnamara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you don't know how to fix her, but you want to try.<br/>all you can do sometimes, is be there (and at least she's still here)</p>
            </blockquote>





	still

"i think i want to die again", she says and your heart flickers, skips a beat, unprepared for those words to come out of lips as soft as hers, from a face as seemingly perfect. but you know better though, you know that underneath the lipgloss and the freckles and the concealer that hides the shadows of sleepless nights, heather mcnamara is a girl that's barely holding it together, fragile thread stitching together the pieces of herself that she still has left.

you wonder how much of it is your fault, how much of it is a direct result of what you did (what _he_ did) and how much of it is from other things, how much of it built up until she just couldn't take it anymore and wanted out (losing them must have been the final straw).

but she's still here, after everything (you did something good, you suppose), but she's not the same. you hadn't realised before exactly how much she depended on heather chandler, how much she needed her. without her, she's lost, looking around for someone to tell her what to do, what to wear, who to talk to. it's kind of sad really, that she cares so much, but you don't say anything (she's copying you now, something that's equal parts flattering and awkward), worried that it'll upset her. there's a lot of things you don't say (the biggest thing being “i killed them”).

she’s been quieter than usual lately, but you’d put it down to lack of sleep (her yellow pills discarded, the fear of what she might do haunting both of you), but maybe it might be something else, a deeper tiredness that seems to run through her veins, almost part of her now (her smiles still remind you of sunshine when you’re lucky enough to see one).

she wants to die again, and this time it's enough for her to say it out loud, even if only to whisper the words, afraid of a bad reaction from you (you hate that she's scared of you, but she seems to be scared of everyone lately, and you don't exactly blame her). does saying it out loud mean she's getting worse or getting better? 

neither of you talk about your feelings much, not ever. you've never been particulately affectionate with your friends and as for boyfriends... well, enough said on that matter. heather, however, is the type to squeal and hug you and hold your hand as often as she can. but she won't put any other feelings into words. sure, there'll be a self deprecating joke or two, but afterwards always comes a wide eyed glance accompanied by nervous frown before she shakes her head and refuses to look at you. 

you try and be there for her, letting her lean against you as you wrap an arm around her (you can feel her _shaking_ , and the guilt nearly overwhelms you) and let her close her eyes and pretend that you can't hear her crying (it's easier for both of you that way).

there's a lot of things you don't say. the second biggest thing is "i love you"

(but you do whisper it into her ear when she’s half asleep on your shoulder.)

you’re not sure if you want her to hear or not.


End file.
